If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
