Your dad touched me again.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
