Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
