just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
