My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
