We should be called the Road Head Warriors
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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