goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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