I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
