Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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