He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
