i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
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I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
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Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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