im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
