WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
