I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize