Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
