I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
