Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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