Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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