Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
