he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
