I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
