I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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