i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
