I puked a lego.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Randomize
