im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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