i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
