Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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