I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
