I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
