I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
