I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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