If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
