I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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