he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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