Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
