I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
