Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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