neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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