she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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