Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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