I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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