I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
organizing the empties. That sober.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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