So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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