Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My ATM looks so different sober.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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