My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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