i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
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The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
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Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.