we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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