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• (415): View more from California

  shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.

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• (808): View more from Hawaii

  The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.

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• (719): View more from Colorado

  I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.

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• (540): View more from Virginia

  I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.

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  Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.

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• (701): View more from North Dakota

  Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic

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• (708): View more from Illinois

  Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.

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• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.

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• (425): View more from Washington

  Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero

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  21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers

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• (308): View more from Nebraska

  Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?

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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.

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• (503): View more from Oregon

  Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for

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• (703): View more from Virginia

  Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!

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• (507): View more from Minnesota

  The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.

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