When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!