I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I want a musical about memes.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
