this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
