More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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