I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
