What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
