I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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