The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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