I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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