My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
