I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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