I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
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I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
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sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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